Cracked...Almost broken

No Fight Left ….No one wants you when you lose. Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what the lure is like? Do you? Do you think I am weak? A fool? A failure? Do you know what my skin feels like? The things I have to do to hold on? To not fall, fail, fall, fail, fall..to fall to fail means to not only rip my heart out with my bare hands, to slowly take out my heart and crush it, with every snap, crackle and pop. Do you know that noise? That sensation? Do you know? That I would die to hear that? That I have already died to hear that? That I am dead because I die to hear that. That noise means that I don’t fail or fall or fail or fall over and over, snap crackle, pop, Will I die now? Take my last breathe and thrust deeply into my crying lungs…stop now, enough now.stop. There is no stop , only desperation and sound and light and alone with …the death..of….my…self, my soul, my self, MYSELF. Let this happen and that happen, LET it happen so I can starve my soul and self and heart and lung and tongue and face..dont give up, don’t give up, one more time… there is one more time…always one more time… more worry, more skin and teeth and biting pain and one inhale….away…from my soul and self to let go let go let go, am I this? This thing…LET this happen, I will create THIS and this will finally be the THING for that I have been waiting….I am free of trying to heal my soul and self and teeth and bone. There is no save me no saviour, no saving. No more. I am a thing that has been created for the final thing …..to…happen…that I make happen so..that I can fall and fail and fall and fail and fall and fail… until I am failed....and.....I have fallen

I CANT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I LOVE STAR BUX COFFEE...I CANT BELIEVE HOW MUCH LONELINESS I FEEL ALL THE TIME. I TRY TO CONNECT WITH PEEPS BUT I .....I ...WELL I LOVE A LOT THAT IS FOR SURE. I NEVER KNEW THAT I HAD SUCH CAPACITY FOR LOVE BUT I DO ...I JUST NEVER KNOW THE RIGHT PLACE TO PUT IT. 40. 40.I AM GOING TO BE FORTY,,,AN I AM NOT SURE THAT I HAVE LIVED MY TRUE LIFE. DONE THE RIGHT THINGS. I HAVE BEEN WEALTHY,SUCCESSFUL,TRAVELLED, MEN HAVE LOVED ME..THEN WHY THIS LUMP IN THE THROAT? I HAVE VOLUNTEERED IN SOUP KITCHENS AND HOMELESS SHELTERS ....PLUGGED THE DAMS WITH SANDBAGS..SIGH. TODAY I WILL ACCOMPLISH 3 THINGS. (YES , IT HAS COME TO THIS) GO TO EAST SIDE OF VAN AND TAKE SOME SHOTS FOR THE PROJECT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FOR 5 YRS. WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS TRY TO STAUNCH THE FLOW OF TEARS??? OF MY TEARS...THINGS GET TO ME AND I LOVE THAT I AM ABLE TO SHOW MY FEELINGS TO ANYONE AND BE DAMN THE ONES THAT ARE UNCOMFORTABLE!!! SLAP ON A PAIR OF BALLS AND FEEL IT!!! IT WONT KILL YOU!

Cold Thursday

Brr, it is so cold today...I thought that Vancouver was to be warm?? I wish I was sitting on the warm kitchen of my sisters home...love love love. I cant do this anymore, feel this, I am in so much pain, I want to feel love...oh winnipeg, with your howling winds and the loves of my life that you hide in your grip.

I watched the CBC Passionate eye..65_ RedRoses..the story of Eva Markvoort. Eva had CF and she shared her life with lucky people through her blog and then through her movie. Eva has touched me and I am saddened that she died b4 I could lay eyes on her. I feel her, though. Love Love Love. Crying a lot today. So much overwhelming feelings about everything. As I sit here, in depression, feeling like I cant go on, tears stream and plop on my lap, heavy heart...I want to be free, to fly, to bring joy, to help others, but I sit in my sorrow and hide in my pain,,,but it is ok,I am ok, I must have to be ok. heavy heart today. But perhaps it will be lighter tomorrow.. Eva has no more tomorrows and I sit here in despair.

Oil slick and Arizona

The oil slick can be seen from space and whales are swimming through it. Baby seals and baby ducks are next... trying in vain to swim and walk while laden in black goo, confused as to why their world suddenly became a nightmare.sigh. I am afraid for us as humans. A human walking down an Arizona street and a gestapo..cop asks to see his PAPERS! His papers...those words to me are incredibly terrifying. I picture WW2, and Krystallnaucht- the night of breaking glass. The SS marched through the Jewish ghettos and broke all their windows and threw all their possessions in the streets , beating up old men and raping children...THIS is what I think of when I think of SB 1070. I will never go to Arizona. So scary. So unacceptable.

First Words

always so hard to write the first words ...of anything.Like, a piece of blank paper is sooo scary. I have wanted to do this, to reach out to people. I am getting lost and I want to find , be found. I am afraid. There is a thing that happens when I feel this way. Everything turns to blue. I feel ..blue. Nothing feels right or comforting or good. I want to run and hide and do something that will make me feel ...nothing. I guess my goal when I start to get lost is to feel nothing. But the rational side of my brain does not want that. I want to be strong and healthy and love, love, love....make up for all the ...stuff. To be great and fab and my family will sigh and say its all ok cause shes ok so we can all be ok. This is a gift and a burden. Not ok, never ok, must act ok.I am getting lost again...