First Words

always so hard to write the first words ...of anything.Like, a piece of blank paper is sooo scary. I have wanted to do this, to reach out to people. I am getting lost and I want to find , be found. I am afraid. There is a thing that happens when I feel this way. Everything turns to blue. I feel ..blue. Nothing feels right or comforting or good. I want to run and hide and do something that will make me feel ...nothing. I guess my goal when I start to get lost is to feel nothing. But the rational side of my brain does not want that. I want to be strong and healthy and love, love, love....make up for all the ...stuff. To be great and fab and my family will sigh and say its all ok cause shes ok so we can all be ok. This is a gift and a burden. Not ok, never ok, must act ok.I am getting lost again...