Cold Thursday

Brr, it is so cold today...I thought that Vancouver was to be warm?? I wish I was sitting on the warm kitchen of my sisters home...love love love. I cant do this anymore, feel this, I am in so much pain, I want to feel love...oh winnipeg, with your howling winds and the loves of my life that you hide in your grip.

I watched the CBC Passionate eye..65_ RedRoses..the story of Eva Markvoort. Eva had CF and she shared her life with lucky people through her blog and then through her movie. Eva has touched me and I am saddened that she died b4 I could lay eyes on her. I feel her, though. Love Love Love. Crying a lot today. So much overwhelming feelings about everything. As I sit here, in depression, feeling like I cant go on, tears stream and plop on my lap, heavy heart...I want to be free, to fly, to bring joy, to help others, but I sit in my sorrow and hide in my pain,,,but it is ok,I am ok, I must have to be ok. heavy heart today. But perhaps it will be lighter tomorrow.. Eva has no more tomorrows and I sit here in despair.

Oil slick and Arizona

The oil slick can be seen from space and whales are swimming through it. Baby seals and baby ducks are next... trying in vain to swim and walk while laden in black goo, confused as to why their world suddenly became a nightmare.sigh. I am afraid for us as humans. A human walking down an Arizona street and a gestapo..cop asks to see his PAPERS! His papers...those words to me are incredibly terrifying. I picture WW2, and Krystallnaucht- the night of breaking glass. The SS marched through the Jewish ghettos and broke all their windows and threw all their possessions in the streets , beating up old men and raping children...THIS is what I think of when I think of SB 1070. I will never go to Arizona. So scary. So unacceptable.

First Words

always so hard to write the first words ...of anything.Like, a piece of blank paper is sooo scary. I have wanted to do this, to reach out to people. I am getting lost and I want to find , be found. I am afraid. There is a thing that happens when I feel this way. Everything turns to blue. I feel ..blue. Nothing feels right or comforting or good. I want to run and hide and do something that will make me feel ...nothing. I guess my goal when I start to get lost is to feel nothing. But the rational side of my brain does not want that. I want to be strong and healthy and love, love, love....make up for all the ...stuff. To be great and fab and my family will sigh and say its all ok cause shes ok so we can all be ok. This is a gift and a burden. Not ok, never ok, must act ok.I am getting lost again...