Cracked...Almost broken

No Fight Left ….No one wants you when you lose. Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what the lure is like? Do you? Do you think I am weak? A fool? A failure? Do you know what my skin feels like? The things I have to do to hold on? To not fall, fail, fall, fail, fall..to fall to fail means to not only rip my heart out with my bare hands, to slowly take out my heart and crush it, with every snap, crackle and pop. Do you know that noise? That sensation? Do you know? That I would die to hear that? That I have already died to hear that? That I am dead because I die to hear that. That noise means that I don’t fail or fall or fail or fall over and over, snap crackle, pop, Will I die now? Take my last breathe and thrust deeply into my crying lungs…stop now, enough now.stop. There is no stop , only desperation and sound and light and alone with …the death..of….my…self, my soul, my self, MYSELF. Let this happen and that happen, LET it happen so I can starve my soul and self and heart and lung and tongue and face..dont give up, don’t give up, one more time… there is one more time…always one more time… more worry, more skin and teeth and biting pain and one inhale….away…from my soul and self to let go let go let go, am I this? This thing…LET this happen, I will create THIS and this will finally be the THING for that I have been waiting….I am free of trying to heal my soul and self and teeth and bone. There is no save me no saviour, no saving. No more. I am a thing that has been created for the final thing …..to…happen…that I make happen so..that I can fall and fail and fall and fail and fall and fail… until I am failed....and.....I have fallen

I CANT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I LOVE STAR BUX COFFEE...I CANT BELIEVE HOW MUCH LONELINESS I FEEL ALL THE TIME. I TRY TO CONNECT WITH PEEPS BUT I .....I ...WELL I LOVE A LOT THAT IS FOR SURE. I NEVER KNEW THAT I HAD SUCH CAPACITY FOR LOVE BUT I DO ...I JUST NEVER KNOW THE RIGHT PLACE TO PUT IT. 40. 40.I AM GOING TO BE FORTY,,,AN I AM NOT SURE THAT I HAVE LIVED MY TRUE LIFE. DONE THE RIGHT THINGS. I HAVE BEEN WEALTHY,SUCCESSFUL,TRAVELLED, MEN HAVE LOVED ME..THEN WHY THIS LUMP IN THE THROAT? I HAVE VOLUNTEERED IN SOUP KITCHENS AND HOMELESS SHELTERS ....PLUGGED THE DAMS WITH SANDBAGS..SIGH. TODAY I WILL ACCOMPLISH 3 THINGS. (YES , IT HAS COME TO THIS) GO TO EAST SIDE OF VAN AND TAKE SOME SHOTS FOR THE PROJECT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FOR 5 YRS. WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS TRY TO STAUNCH THE FLOW OF TEARS??? OF MY TEARS...THINGS GET TO ME AND I LOVE THAT I AM ABLE TO SHOW MY FEELINGS TO ANYONE AND BE DAMN THE ONES THAT ARE UNCOMFORTABLE!!! SLAP ON A PAIR OF BALLS AND FEEL IT!!! IT WONT KILL YOU!